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I have been in denial for so long. I have finally hit rock bottom, unfortunately, it took being pushed to realize that I was already flat on the floor. I have depression. My depression had taken over my life and taken over me. I had lost every ounce of the person I truly am. She has been buried under mountains of trials that I never found the courage to truly dig through and move past. I was suffocating and not even realizing it. I would justify the way that I was feeling, saying things like, "Anybody going through this would act the exact same way." My life has had so many twists and turns over the past few years, and I never took the time to learn to balance everything. I blame a huge part of this on the Utah culture. Growing up I was taught to believe that the most important role in your life will be as a mother and a wife, and that it should come before all else. I call BULLSHIT!!!! The most important role in my life is being ME!! I have been so consumed with being a "good wife" and a "good mother" that I have completely lost who I am. In turn, not being me, not taking the time to myself to be that happy, outgoing, worthwhile person I have always been, has made me a horrible, overbearing wife, and I mother who played the role because she was supposed to. Over the past week or so I have realized so much. Being a mother and a wife is not what should define me, it shouldn't even go in to the description I give people about myself. Being a mother and a wife is not who I am. It's something that I do, and a role I am choosing to incorporate into my life.

So who am I? I am Amber. I am a funny, smart, beautiful, outgoing, optimistic, talented, happy person. The list could go on and on. I wish that I would have realized this a long time ago. I have done so much damage to myself and to my family simply because I thought that being a mother and a wife should come first, no being ME should always come first. Will I put my family before my friends, and before my own selfish needs? Of course, but I will not lose myself in the process again. I have a long hard road ahead of me, I'm not going to just magically learn to balance everything overnight. It is going to take time. I am going to take time away from my husband and my son, and spend time solely on Amber.

Utah is the #1 state of antidepressants... and this is why. Or culture teaches us as women that our role is a mother, that we should put that above all else. In doing so we lose our individualism, which is the very thing that makes us so great. When we lose ourselves, our significant others get lost as well. My husband married the perfect woman. I was everything he ever wanted and more. After I became a wife and a mother, that amazing person that he fell so hard for, and everything that made her her, went on the back burner. Over time, she kept getting pushed further and further back that I could not bring her back without help, and without getting dropped hard on my ass. I'm sure not ALL of us make the mistake of putting the true people we are on the back burner, but I did.

My goal now is to bring Amber back to the front. For the next little while, I am going to be spending more time on her than on my family. Just until I get her back, and stable. Then I am going to do what I should have been doing all along... Equalling balancing Amber, Amber the Wife, Amber the Mother, and Amber the Employee.

Life is a balancing act, at first you may fail miserably. But, with handwork and focused energy, you will learn to balance all things important to you with ease!

Him....

I love him

He is not perfect

But he is mine

He has he struggles

But he also carries mine

I love him

He is my everything

He is my reason

He is a better father than most

He has his flaws

He sees past mine

He loves me so deeply

He is my soul mate

I love him

He is mine

He makes me feel

He is my dream man

He is my best friend

He is my rock

Really America?

Something has been really bothering me for the past little while, and that is America's issues with marriage. America, home of the free, where you can live and worship how you please...... Unless you're a polygamist or gay..

I watch Sister Wives, I love the show. It makes me so mad that in a country that was founded on freedom of religion, this family cannot live and worship how they want. It is part of their religion to take on multiple spouses, and as long as there are no child brides, sexual crimes, and forced participation, I say let them do it. The Brown women are all CONSENTING ADULTS, and were at the time of marriage. They raise their children in their religion but have openly stated that in the end it is up to the children as individuals to decide whether or not to continue on with polygamist beliefs. Not one child, or wife, in that family is being forced to stay, or live the lifestyle. Now obviously the children are all under 18 and have to abide by household rules, but once they leave the home their parents have told them to find their own path, and that no matter what they choose there is still a place for them in the family. As long as they are able to support themselves without government assistance, and are a happy functional family, I belive Kody and all his wives deserve the right to a legal marriage. Three of the 4 wives are "spiritual wives." In order for this country to continue to call itself a free country, the other 3 wives should have the option of becoming a legal wife as well. They aren't hurting anybody. They are good people, as are many polygamist families. It's unfortunate that only the bad, Warren Jeffs types, make the media. There are radical members to every religion, if we allow those individuals to define our opinions of any religion, then we are flawed. Anyway my point is, a person should be legally allowed to marry as many people as they want as long as its all consenting, they can afford and no one is getting hurt or abused in any form. It won't hurt you or your beliefs unless you allow it to, end of story.

Which brings me to my next point, gay marriage. Gay marriage should be legalized, there is nothing else to it. All these people claiming that it takes away from traditional marriage and just making stuff up. Marriage is about love and committment to another person. Who cares if that person happens to have the same parts as you. I honestly feel that if we looked at gay marriage vs. straight marriage divorces, there are ten times more in "traditional" marriages. The most crazy claim is that legalizing gay marriage is going to encourage more people to be gay.. Um.... you're either gay or your not. Sexual preference isn't something you believe, it's something you are. (Correct me if I am wrong please.) You don't convert to homosexuality. Gay individuals that have not come out yet, may engage in a "traditional" relationship, that doesn't change the fact that they are gay. Legalizing gay marriage is going to do this country nothing but good. It will open the door for those individuals that aren't ready to open up and say they swing the other way. "Cover up" marriages, that inevitabley will end in divorce, will probably be reduced. The divorce rate in this country will more than likely go down. Some people say, "Well it's immoral." I'll correct you, it's immoral IN YOUR OPINION! Key word there bein OPINION. Stop worrying about other people's eternal salvation and worry about your own. It's the same thing as plural marriages, it's not going to hurt you unless you allow it to. If you live a good honest life, you're not going to be turned away from Heaven because your neighbor Larry has a husband named Bob.

You want and deserve a good, happy life right? Well so do other people. Shut up with your harsh judgements and critizism, just live and let live, and most importantly, treat EVERYONE with love and respect. And remember, you can't get to Heaven on rollerskates. (Name that movie)

Whew....

October and Fall..

I love fall, it is by far my favorite season! There's nothing bad about it. The atmosphere, the smells, and activities, all amazing. I would be perfectly happy if it was fall all year round. The best things to ever happen to me have mostly all happened in the fall, mainly October. There's a romantic, peaceful vibe that comes across the world in this glorious month. I don't know if it's the vibrant colors of the leaves. The warm sweaters and evening walks. The Halloween season. The spicy smells. I don't know what it is, but I LOVE it.

This year has been quite the different year for me. I've had to take a giant leap back from myself to look at the person that I was becoming. I did not like that person. It was only a few weeks ago that it all hit me and knocked me on my ass, hard. The only person who can change the direction I was headed, was me. What does this all have to do with fall?? I'm starting a new season of my life. The branches of me are shedding their old leaves to pave the way for new ones. I've sported the same leaves for a while now, and now that I see they need to go, I see the beauty in them. (plain ol' green leaves just weren't doing it for me) Change is hard, change is good. I know I'm in for a rough ride of rediscovering myself. But it's all worth it! I am so excited to get back to being Amber! 'Cause she's pretty effing awesome. This may sound silly but fall is the perfect time for this all to happy to me. It has always been the time when I'm out and about doing things that make me happy. I'm going to start up new hobbies and dive back into old ones. I'm going to let my family, friends, and neighbors know that I care about them. I'm going to climb into a cozy sweater and watch football cuddled up with the love of my life and our little man. This fall I'm making it a goal to do things that make me happy and encourage others to do the same! Take time for yourself. Don't lose yourself in the person that you think other people want you to be. BE WHO YOU WANT TO BE. I learned this lesson a long time ago, but somehow forgot it in the chaos of life.. It is 100% impossible to make someone else truly happy, if you are not happy yourself. Again, this may sound silly, but I'm am writing a list of things I can do that will make me happy, and I am going to do them all, or at least try to, in the month of October. It's my goal to keep myself busy with happy work and hopefully create a habit of it so that I don't keep falling back into the same misery trap. As I do each item I'll write a totally awesome blog about it! So keep in touch! (I don't know if I have any readers out there, but I can pretend!)

Happy Monday!

Hi, Hello, How are ya?

So it's been forever since I posted on this lovely thing. I've decided that I need more hobbies in my life so I am going to start posting on the blog again, but don't hold me to it!

So I'll just give you all a super quick "teaser" update.

All of us over at the Forman household are doing pretty well. Jim is working at L-3 Communications as a Project Planner. It's an incredibly high stress job, but he is amazing at it. Julian is 15 months old yesterday and the biggest sweetheart ever. He is a little clone of Jim. He is so funny and has such a bold personality. I have just started a new job at a place called Thermal Technologies. I am over contractor relations. It's interesting so far. We're still living out in Herriman and taking our life as it comes to us.

Right now I can't really think of anything else to write about so this is it for the day. Maybe I'll do a little post featuring Julian this week so you all can get to know our little man!

Have a great Monday!

Update...

Sorry it's been forever since I updated this thing in so long, our life has been go-go-go. So anyway. We've made it to 35 weeks! Though we went to the doctor yesterday and were basically told to be on our toes, he's right there are ready to come. As we were leaving the doctor I was telling Jim that I think he'll be born next week or a week and a half at the most. Jim was trying to convince me that I was just being paranoid and that Julian is going to stay put until his due date. Not 5 minutes later I received a random text from one of Jim's best friends. She is one of those people who has killer intuition and just knows things. The text said, in short, you will have a baby either Wednesday or Thursday, which is exactly how I feel as well. She just has a feeling I'll go into labor on Wednesday and Julian will be born on Thursday. We'll see though. So anyway, Jim and and I just sitting back and waiting. I think he'll be born in the next week or so. I'll let you all know!

Be Worried...

So I woke up this morning around 6:30am with some pretty gnarly contractions. At first I though nothing about it, just some Braxton Hicks ones right. I had two of these in about an hour and still went on my way to work. Around 8:30 things changed a little. I started to get this feeling like someone was wringing out my insides just as you would a towel. Again I figured it wasn't that big of a deal. That's until I had that feeling come and go about every 20 minutes. At that point I called my doctor and was told to come in immediately. I called Jim and let him know what the doctor had said. I still wasn't super worried. I wasn't completely convinced that I was even having contractions. Jim on the other hand, freaked out and realized the urgency of the situation. We got to the doctor and were pulled right in. After a full preterm labor examination my doctor, who also happens to be my aunt, said she's not at all comfortable with my situation. I am dilated to a 2 and 50% thinned out in my cervix, at 31 weeks. Ya, that's not good. She ran some fetal neck something something something test, luckily that came back negative. Which means we're 90% sure our little dude won't come in the next 2 weeks. I have to go back on Wednesday and be checked again, if I've dilated more, then the panic starts. Today's appointment ended with a, not so optimistic doctor saying telling us all we need is 3 more weeks, after that, he can come, she wouldn't be super happy that he is born at 34 weeks, but it would work out just fine. The funny part is, I texted Jim yesterday and told him I think we're closer to Julian's birthday than either of us realize. And, Jim thought I was being a psycho for this, but I've made us pack our hospital bags. Apparently my intuition is better than I thought. So for now I am just on some medication to slow the labor process and. hopefully stop my uterus from contracting for a few weeks. Keep your fingers crossed for the next 3 weeks is the advice, among other things, we were given at the doctor today. I know the wording of this sounds like I'm not too worried, that's not the case... I'm just super tired and writing this fast! Anyway, life will go on as planned right now, we are just going to speed our moving in process up and set up the baby's room a lot faster than we anticipated. I'll keep ya'll posted!

Who Will Julian Look Like?...

Jim

Amber

Due to my small size at 29 weeks and the multiple complications with the pregnancy, my doctor was concerned that our little dude wasn't growing. So we got to have another ultrasound this past Tuesday. No worries though, he is perfectly fine, he's just a little baby because I'm a little person. As of Tuesday he weighed 2lbs 11oz! He still has a bit of growing to do. Anyway, where this going is, begin able to have an ultrasound so far along Jim and I were able to see a lot of Julian's features and kind of get an idea of what he'll look like. Ya, I know, he'll probably look nothing like what we were able to see on the ultrasound, but it's still fun to imagine. Jim has been having dreams of the day he is born a lot lately, all he can ever remember is that he was teeny and had lots of dark hair. I've been trying to visualize his little face and I have a feeling he'll look a lot more like Jim than like me.

Anyway, things are becoming more and more real now. As we attend child birth classes and doctor appointments, Jim and I are learning just how high at risk we are for preterm labor. Our doctor and the instructors of the child birth class listed the main factors that cause preterm labor, Jim and I sat there and put a check mark by every one. This knowledge has us a little worried, but we figured that if our little dude can hang out in there for at least six more weeks he'll be just fine. We are due on July 5th, though both Jim and I think he;ll decide to make he's debut sometime in June. My instincts are telling me to go on maternity leave around June 15th, but the worker in me wants to stay there until June 30th. I have a feeling I'll end up working, literally until the day he is born.

These next couple weeks are going to be way exciting for our little family. Next weekend I have my first baby shower! I'm pretty excited for this. It's my family shower and two of Jim's aunts were nice enough to put it together for me! We will also, cross your fingers, finally be moving into OUR house next weekend! It's been a long time coming. We were told we would be able to move in clear back in January, but do to unforeseen circumstances, the family currently living in our house was not able to move out. Jim and I have been extremely patient with the whole situation. We have not been able to access a lot of our stuff, which is in the basement of the house, nor have we been able to prepare the baby's room and do some remodeling like we planned. But given that everything goes well, we will be moving in on May 1st!!!!! Anyway, the following weekend, my girls Mollie and Caitlin are throwing me a baby shower for my friends! They worked so hard hand making the invitations and planning! I can't wait!

There was more I wanted to get into, but this post is already getting longer than I wanted it to be!

Have a wonderful weekend!

When a Quest for Beauty Backfires...

So I broke down on Sunday and had to put some effort into feeling pretty again. My first stop was the tanning salon *gasp*. It's ok people, I did lots of research, even texted my OB and got the ok before doing this. The only rules were to keep my body cool and not lay in the bed for more than 12 minutes. So I lotioned up, turned the tanning bed fans on full blast, and climbed on in. I figured I would go three or four times in the next couple weeks and this would give me a nice color that would hold me over until it is warm enough to actually go out and get some all natural sun! Needless to say, I got a little burnt, not bad though. Anyway, my original plan was to get my legs and whoha waxed that day and go tanning afterward. Well I called the day spa multiple times with no answer, so I figured that they wouldn't be able to get me in before Jim and I had to leave for other events of the day, so I went tanning instead. AFTER I left the tanning salon, the day spa called me back and let me know that had a 12:30 appointment open. It was 11:40. Ya, I booked it. I hurried home, took a quick shower, I wasn't about to go to the spa smelling like tanning, and rushed over to the spa. I was a little late, but only like 5 minutes, so it doesn't even count. We went back into a lavender room where some soft Native American music was playing, I laughed a little on the inside. Anyway, the waxing began. It wasn't that bad. some areas hurt more than others, but I figured it would all be worth it. Everything wrapped up and I was on my way. Here's the catch, I did two things differently than I ever have before when waxing. I went tanning before, and I didn't shower and apply a generous amount of lotion after. I was in a hurry and just threw my jeans back on and went about my day. BAD IDEA. As a result of waxing with a sunburn and not moisturizing after, my legs have been itching like crazy and are covered in little red dots! It sucks so bad! I don't even like Jim seeing my legs cause I looks like I was attacked by a million bugs! Anyway, I tries using benadryl all over, thinking it was an allergic reaction to the wax, that soothed the itching but didn't reduce the redness. So finally I requested the help of Yahoo! Answers. I asked if this reaction was normal and how to fix it! Thank goodness, it is a normal reaction, especially if you don't moisturize your skin after. Some lady told me to get some GiGi two step after waxing treatment from Sally Beauty Supply. I picked it up yesterday and already have seen improvement in the redness and the itching is now in just a few places, mostly my knees and shins. So, cross your fingers that my legs will go back to normal in the next couple days! Lesson learned --go tanning after waxing, then shower and use a gallon on lotion!

Struggle with Self Image...

(This is Not Me)

One thing no one ever explained to me is how hard it is mentally to be pregnant. I have never been a heavy person, nor have I ever looked chubby. Being pregnant is taking it's toll on my self esteem. Every outfit I put on, no matter how cute or fashionable it may be, does not make me feel comfortable about my size. Even though I am 24 weeks pregnant, I have not gained any weight and am still 4 pounds below my original weight. I look as though I have gained a ton of weight though. I wouldn't mind as much if I looked obviously pregnant. The problem is, I just look like a "thicker" girl. No matter how much time I put into my appearance I still look horrible and ugly. I know what most people are saying and it's, "no you don't, you look beautiful." The problem is, I feel that they are only saying that because they don't want to hurt my feelings. Or my husband is only saying it because all of the daddy books he has read has told him that he better not say anything different. I HATE it when people point out my belly. I don't think it's cute, I don't think I look cute with it. I have the giggles I get from my mother-in-law when she notices my stomach sticking out farther than the day before. Ya sure, it's exciting for everyone else, but it's not their body they are watching transform to a balloon. Don't get me wrong, I know it will be all worth it in the end. I just want to scream at every person who mentions that my stomach is sticking out. I just feel like saying, "Thanks, I wasn't aware I am noticeably a fat ass now." I hate it, I hate looking the way I look, I miss my body, not that it was that great before, but it was me. I felt comfortable in it. I know that I'll look back one day and maybe looking over pictures I'll say, oh, I did make a cute prego chick. but for now that's not how I feel. I have taken one picture of my belly and when I saw it, i realized I still look way way teeny, that was a few weeks ago though. But when I look at myself in the mirror I feel nothing but disgust. It may be abnormal, but whatever. It also doesn't help that I decided I needed a change with my hair, so I cut bangs, needless to say, I hate them. The girl who cut them made them way to thick. I just want to go back in time and leave my bangs the way they were. And another problem is how pale I am all of the time. I'm not one to go tanning often, and rarely go during warm months, but I do partake in the occasional tanning bed in cold months, just to maintain my summer color. I cannot do that and as a result I look sickly and dead. My skin just has this chalky color to it, and I can't do anything about it. I have thought about trying that spray on tan stuff, but I'm afraid that will turn my into an oompa loompa. Part of me just wants to go tanning and just keep the sessions short and more frequent. My doctor let me know that only problem with tanning during pregnancy is that it heats your body. So my theory is if I keep it short and get out if I start feeling too warm, then what's the harm in it. I just need to feel like me again, I need to regain the confidence I had in my image, I want to feel attractive. I 'm sorry this is a complaining post, but I just had to get it out. If you have any suggestions on how to make yourself feel and look beautiful during pregnancy, send em my way.

Cory...

Last night around midnight I received a phone call from Cory. He was in a great mood and was extremely happy to be out with his brothers and back in combat. We joked and had a good conversation. It was very needed. After the last couple weeks I needed to hear his voice and tone, to hear the reassurance that he was happy. He misses home but is proud to be serving and looking forward to being back in the states in a few months. He said his leg still hurts, but not enough to keep him down. He also tried to convince me that rootbeer jelly bellies are 100% delicious. He seems to be in great spirit! According to his fiance, Saturday when he called he had a really bad feeling about the his next mission, which is completed now. It's understand as it was his first time going out since getting blown up. Anyway, just a quick update for all of those still wondering. Things are still crazy over in Afghanistan but the boys are getting their head around things again and going back to work full force!

Jamba Juice...

So today I went to Jamba Juice for the first time in a few months. I was stoked beyond measure to indulge in my regular, the ever so delicious Razzmataz.

I typically get a sixteen with a protein boost. So I get up to the counter and place my order. The cashier then asks me what kind of protein I would like. This confused me like crazy, I just want a protein boost, the normal one, the one that I always get, I didn't know there were different kinds. She gives me the low down and I decided on whey protein, unsure of what that even means. She then tells me it is $0.50 extra (since when do the boosts cost anything) I just said that's fine.

Weeellll... I end up with the frothy light pink thing that has the texture you would imagine a melted frosty having, and has the aftertaste of chapstick. It's not even the right color. The Jamba I was handed was a very pale pink, my normal razzmataz is a dark rich berry color, you know, like the color of raspberries.... imagine that. So where am I going with this. I would just like to thank all you retard "going green hippies" for screwing up my Jamba Juice experience. All of the sudden our world is being thrown out of wack by everyone wanting to be "organic" I hate to break it to ya'll but you're just paying more for "hormone free" meat and "natural" vegetables, guess what, THEY'RE THE SAME DAMN THING AS NORMAL FOOD. I personally love my high fructose corn syrup and partially hydrogenated fat. So keep all your "healthy" hippie crap in their own stores and restaurants and let the rest of us enjoy a high calorie, seemingly healthy-though totally unhealthy Jamba Juice in peace.

Thank you in advance for your compliance.

Charlie Company Update...

For those of you who have been watching the news, you know of the death of LCPL Aragon. This week has been hell for Charlie Company. Monday the company suffered the loss of LCPL Aragon and a serious injury to another Marine. Two days later 7 Marines were injured when their LAV was destroyed by an IED. Three of those Marines required extensive medical attention and will be coming home due to serious injuries, my brother being one of them. I am led to believe that the other 4 involved in this incident are in good shape and are back performing combat duties. Cory, from what the report reads, suffered a blown knee and broken leg as a result of the explosion. He is currently in the hospital at a military base in Afghanistan. It is not completely clear if he will be going back into combat of coming home. According to the higher-ups and Camp Williams, they will be bringing him home. Yesterday another IED attacked Charlie Company resulting in another Marine being killed in action. I cannot yet release his name. If you are interested in finding out who this young man is, just keep an eye on the news, They should be reporting on it either later tonight or tomorrow, that's just my guess.

LCPL Aragon will be laid to rest tomorrow in a formal military funeral. It is open to the public, the projected attendance number is already high into the hundreds. If you read this blog, please do not broadcast the events I have listed. Just keep the Marines of Charlie Company in your thoughts and prayers. If you have specific questions regarding the incidents please leave a comment with your email and I will answer them confidentially, if I am able to release the information you request.

Our Boys...

Please send out good thoughts and prayers for the men of Charlie Company. They need it bad.

Thank You

Fallen Marine...

LCPL Carlos Aragon of Charlie Company 4th LAR based out of Camp Williams, Utah was killed in action on Monday, March 1, 2010 at around 3:00am MT. He was the youngest Marine serving this tour with Charlie Company. He was killed when his platoon dismounted and to perform a foot patrol of a village in Helmand Province, Afghanistan. An IED, or roadside bomb, exploded killing him immediately.

If you fly an American flag, or know anyone who does, please ask them to lower their flags to half mass until after the funeral services.

Thank you

United States Marines...

(USMC Charlie Company 4th LAR)

There is just something about a Marine that is different than a member of any of the other armed forces. I am not just saying this because my husband and brother, and many others, are in the Marine Corp. Even before Cory joined the Marines, and long before I met Jim, Marines have always stood out to me. Sure they are rough guys, but once you break through that, you will never find a more caring person. They carry their uniforms with a dominance, a Marine in uniform walks into the room, and heads turn. They are a disciplined group and it shows. The Marines I know do their job, not for the glory. not for the chance to be called a hero, but to serve their country. Jim and I had the discussion of what where he would be had we not met, his answer was simply, Afghanistan. I asked what he meant by that, he would have been injured and sent home just the same with or without me. This is when he stopped me, he looked at me and said,

"I would never have let this injury stop me from being out there with my guys, but I felt like I was needed here more, I didn't know why at the time, but when the Major asked me if I could perform my duties in full gear and if I would be able to be in a conflict zone, everything in my head told me to say yes. Then I thought of you and for some reason no is what came out of my mouth."

This conversation was just had last week. I could not be happier that he is here and safe, and able to share our pregnancy with me. Though it kills him to not be serving with his men. Marines have a commitment to one another that is like no other. They stand by each other and never leave each other behind. I always thought I'd marry a Marine. I had no idea I would marry one knowing that the chance of never seeing him again after the week we got married
would be very real. I knew going into the marriage that it would be months before I would see my new husband again, that was something we were both willing to do for our country. I never imagined that I would get him home a few months later with an injury and a broken heart for not being able to be with his men. Nothing can describe the look on Jim's face when people tell him they are happy he is home and not in Afghanistan. I am a selfish person and it was more than I could handle when I said goodbye to my husband, brother, and friend all in the same day, all leaving with the possibility of never returning. Troy and my brother Cory are still in Afghanistan and are serving in a "hot zone." These men are so great, they left everything behind and have to deal with what they are doing and the details and horrors of their missions alone. They cannot call home and talk about what is going on, they cannot unload they burdens onto other, for fear of the enemy tapping into the phone lines. Because Jim is here I get information that would otherwise be kept to the military only. Because these are his men and his brothers, he is given the information for the higher ups. What these men are going through is not a walk in the park. Many Americans believe that our men and women serving overseas aren't really doing anything. THEY ARE!! They are going through things that you and I could never imagine. When Jim and I first started dating he told me that his tour in Iraq was so easy and boring. The truth and horrors of things he went through are coming out daily as he recounts the stories to me. describing images that are still so vivid in his mind and still pull him from his sleep in terror. Those overseas serving now, are LIVING these terrors everyday. They wake up not knowing if it will be their last time waking up, but they put on their gear and go to work.They are a million times more brave then I am.

Thanks Cory, Troy, Chris, and Jordan and the rest of USMC Charlie Company, 4th LAR! Jim and I miss you all and love you! We can't wait for you to come home!

Golden Birthday...

So this Sunday is my golden birthday, 21 on the 21st, anyway because of my current state I am kinda getting the short end of the stick. It's not like I've ever celebrated my birthday before, but this one is kinda big. It sucks because not only is it on a Sunday, I am pregnant, and Jim has drill this weekend so he has to work, so we can't even really go do something fun together. I have a big family thing tonight, but that's just a dinner. Maybe I am being selfish but I wanted to go to Vegas or something for my 21st.

That being said, I have a brilliant idea that has received approval from everyone I've run it by. Next year I will be celebrating my 2nd-21st birthday! I think it's a grand idea, this will probably include a Vegas trip or some wicked sweet party! Until then, I will try to enjoy my real 21st birthday.

Have a great weekend!

Ya, Just Read This...

This morning as I was getting dressed, my loving husband came into the room looked at me and said,

"Well babe, you don't just look fat anymore. You can tell you're pregnant now."

Thanks Jim

Valentine's Day...

I have never really understood the concept of Valentine's day. Granted when I was a kid I loved making a box every year and passing out candy at school. Though since I've gotten older the thought of the day is rather ridiculous. I find it sad that we need a holiday to treat the people we love special and do something nice for them. Shouldn't that be an everyday thing? Not just once a year? Ya ya ya, it's fun and a nice excuse to take your sweetie out for a nice dinner and spend the day together, but I guess I just am confused as to why we need a reason to do that. Jim does little, and big, sweet things that are totally unexpected all of the time. Like send me two dozen roses on a random Wednesday with a card that says, "Just because I love you..." Or he wakes up early on days I have to work and he doesn't, just so he can sit and have breakfast with me. Or he sends me random text messages about how much he loves me and how happy he is to have me in his life. I guess I just take this all for granted because it's a daily thing for us, to let each other know how much we care and how grateful we are for one another.
Jim is probably the greatest thing to ever happen to this world, he goes along with my stupid ideas just because he knows I want to do it, even when I explain to him that I am well aware of how gay it is, he never tries to talk me out of it for his own sake. He just shakes his head, laughs, and says, "Let's go babe."
He will lay on the floor with me for 3 hours every night while I'm hooked up to an IV, most of the time I fall asleep, but he stays right there just because he knows I hate it when he's not close to me when he can be.
He cancels plans with his guys if I need something or if it makes me sad that he'll be gone all day.
He cleans my car, simply because he is cleaning his truck too.
He wakes up almost every time I move throughout the night to see if there is something he can do to make me more comfortable.
He tells other people not to eat my jelly bellies and otter pops.
He brings me an otter pop every time he gets one, and even if he doesn't get one, cause he just knows I won't turn one down.
He goes out of his way to find a solution to all of my concerns.
He always opens the door for me, and if I try to hold it open for him, he simply steps behind me and says, "Go ahead babe."
He mostly does the laundry, and the cooking. -- but that's only because we live with his parents right now and I'm not comfortable going through their cabinets.
Every time he finds a bad ass video on you tube, he comes and grabs me so we can bond over watching stoned people make idiots of themselves or listen to Gunther sing about his ta la la.
When I get cold he goes and gets a blanket for me and socks. and even puts my socks on for me, because I look so comfy he doesn't want me to have to move.
He decorated cookies with our nieces and I on Saturday, even though he previously told me, "It's a girl thing, I'll opt out."
His heartbreaks if I don't sit in the center seat, right next to him, when we are in the truck.
He's the best dad ever, and extremely attached to our little dude that it still swimming in water and breathing like a fish.
I catch him shopping for onesies online all of the time.
He eats all of my nerds and denies it when I ask him, only seconds later stating, You love me so it doesn't even matter babe.... I'll go buy you more.
Every time I have a "blond moment" he laughs hysterically and in between breaths exclaims how my absentmindedness makes him fall in love with me all over again.
He bought me a birthday present that makes me official, I know have a leather riding jacket. I'm officially a biker bitch, or ol' lady.
Sometimes I forget to put my ring back on after washing my hands in the morning, he'll just show up at my work with it.
He loves that I'm getting fat and thinks it's cute.
On that note, he freaks out and almost cries at every doctor appointment when we find out I've lost more weight - I'm just getting fat in my belly, everywhere else is shrinking.

I could go on forever with this list, but my point is, Valentine's Day is ridiculous. The kind of love we show other on February 14th is the kind of love we should show them all the time. Jim and I don't feel the need to celebrate Valentine's Day, we both agree that every day should be filled with love. So yesterday we just got up and ate Lucky Charms together, went to the mall in search of new jeans for me, ate dinner at my parent's and watch Son-in-Law together, Nothing out of the ordinary, just another day we spent together, enjoying each other's company.

P.S. This is a way longer post than I planned.

P.P.S. Don't tell Jim about this post, I don't want him knowing that I actually like him.

Happy Monday!

It's a...

BOY!!!

Julian James will be here sometime between the end of June and first part of July!