I have been in denial for so long. I have finally hit rock bottom, unfortunately, it took being pushed to realize that I was already flat on the floor. I have depression. My depression had taken over my life and taken over me. I had lost every ounce of the person I truly am. She has been buried under mountains of trials that I never found the courage to truly dig through and move past. I was suffocating and not even realizing it. I would justify the way that I was feeling, saying things like, "Anybody going through this would act the exact same way." My life has had so many twists and turns over the past few years, and I never took the time to learn to balance everything. I blame a huge part of this on the Utah culture. Growing up I was taught to believe that the most important role in your life will be as a mother and a wife, and that it should come before all else. I call BULLSHIT!!!! The most important role in my life is being ME!! I have been so consumed with being a "good wife" and a "good mother" that I have completely lost who I am. In turn, not being me, not taking the time to myself to be that happy, outgoing, worthwhile person I have always been, has made me a horrible, overbearing wife, and I mother who played the role because she was supposed to. Over the past week or so I have realized so much. Being a mother and a wife is not what should define me, it shouldn't even go in to the description I give people about myself. Being a mother and a wife is not who I am. It's something that I do, and a role I am choosing to incorporate into my life.
So who am I? I am Amber. I am a funny, smart, beautiful, outgoing, optimistic, talented, happy person. The list could go on and on. I wish that I would have realized this a long time ago. I have done so much damage to myself and to my family simply because I thought that being a mother and a wife should come first, no being ME should always come first. Will I put my family before my friends, and before my own selfish needs? Of course, but I will not lose myself in the process again. I have a long hard road ahead of me, I'm not going to just magically learn to balance everything overnight. It is going to take time. I am going to take time away from my husband and my son, and spend time solely on Amber.
Utah is the #1 state of antidepressants... and this is why. Or culture teaches us as women that our role is a mother, that we should put that above all else. In doing so we lose our individualism, which is the very thing that makes us so great. When we lose ourselves, our significant others get lost as well. My husband married the perfect woman. I was everything he ever wanted and more. After I became a wife and a mother, that amazing person that he fell so hard for, and everything that made her her, went on the back burner. Over time, she kept getting pushed further and further back that I could not bring her back without help, and without getting dropped hard on my ass. I'm sure not ALL of us make the mistake of putting the true people we are on the back burner, but I did.
My goal now is to bring Amber back to the front. For the next little while, I am going to be spending more time on her than on my family. Just until I get her back, and stable. Then I am going to do what I should have been doing all along... Equalling balancing Amber, Amber the Wife, Amber the Mother, and Amber the Employee.
Life is a balancing act, at first you may fail miserably. But, with handwork and focused energy, you will learn to balance all things important to you with ease!
