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I have been in denial for so long. I have finally hit rock bottom, unfortunately, it took being pushed to realize that I was already flat on the floor. I have depression. My depression had taken over my life and taken over me. I had lost every ounce of the person I truly am. She has been buried under mountains of trials that I never found the courage to truly dig through and move past. I was suffocating and not even realizing it. I would justify the way that I was feeling, saying things like, "Anybody going through this would act the exact same way." My life has had so many twists and turns over the past few years, and I never took the time to learn to balance everything. I blame a huge part of this on the Utah culture. Growing up I was taught to believe that the most important role in your life will be as a mother and a wife, and that it should come before all else. I call BULLSHIT!!!! The most important role in my life is being ME!! I have been so consumed with being a "good wife" and a "good mother" that I have completely lost who I am. In turn, not being me, not taking the time to myself to be that happy, outgoing, worthwhile person I have always been, has made me a horrible, overbearing wife, and I mother who played the role because she was supposed to. Over the past week or so I have realized so much. Being a mother and a wife is not what should define me, it shouldn't even go in to the description I give people about myself. Being a mother and a wife is not who I am. It's something that I do, and a role I am choosing to incorporate into my life.

So who am I? I am Amber. I am a funny, smart, beautiful, outgoing, optimistic, talented, happy person. The list could go on and on. I wish that I would have realized this a long time ago. I have done so much damage to myself and to my family simply because I thought that being a mother and a wife should come first, no being ME should always come first. Will I put my family before my friends, and before my own selfish needs? Of course, but I will not lose myself in the process again. I have a long hard road ahead of me, I'm not going to just magically learn to balance everything overnight. It is going to take time. I am going to take time away from my husband and my son, and spend time solely on Amber.

Utah is the #1 state of antidepressants... and this is why. Or culture teaches us as women that our role is a mother, that we should put that above all else. In doing so we lose our individualism, which is the very thing that makes us so great. When we lose ourselves, our significant others get lost as well. My husband married the perfect woman. I was everything he ever wanted and more. After I became a wife and a mother, that amazing person that he fell so hard for, and everything that made her her, went on the back burner. Over time, she kept getting pushed further and further back that I could not bring her back without help, and without getting dropped hard on my ass. I'm sure not ALL of us make the mistake of putting the true people we are on the back burner, but I did.

My goal now is to bring Amber back to the front. For the next little while, I am going to be spending more time on her than on my family. Just until I get her back, and stable. Then I am going to do what I should have been doing all along... Equalling balancing Amber, Amber the Wife, Amber the Mother, and Amber the Employee.

Life is a balancing act, at first you may fail miserably. But, with handwork and focused energy, you will learn to balance all things important to you with ease!

Him....

I love him

He is not perfect

But he is mine

He has he struggles

But he also carries mine

I love him

He is my everything

He is my reason

He is a better father than most

He has his flaws

He sees past mine

He loves me so deeply

He is my soul mate

I love him

He is mine

He makes me feel

He is my dream man

He is my best friend

He is my rock

Really America?

Something has been really bothering me for the past little while, and that is America's issues with marriage. America, home of the free, where you can live and worship how you please...... Unless you're a polygamist or gay..

I watch Sister Wives, I love the show. It makes me so mad that in a country that was founded on freedom of religion, this family cannot live and worship how they want. It is part of their religion to take on multiple spouses, and as long as there are no child brides, sexual crimes, and forced participation, I say let them do it. The Brown women are all CONSENTING ADULTS, and were at the time of marriage. They raise their children in their religion but have openly stated that in the end it is up to the children as individuals to decide whether or not to continue on with polygamist beliefs. Not one child, or wife, in that family is being forced to stay, or live the lifestyle. Now obviously the children are all under 18 and have to abide by household rules, but once they leave the home their parents have told them to find their own path, and that no matter what they choose there is still a place for them in the family. As long as they are able to support themselves without government assistance, and are a happy functional family, I belive Kody and all his wives deserve the right to a legal marriage. Three of the 4 wives are "spiritual wives." In order for this country to continue to call itself a free country, the other 3 wives should have the option of becoming a legal wife as well. They aren't hurting anybody. They are good people, as are many polygamist families. It's unfortunate that only the bad, Warren Jeffs types, make the media. There are radical members to every religion, if we allow those individuals to define our opinions of any religion, then we are flawed. Anyway my point is, a person should be legally allowed to marry as many people as they want as long as its all consenting, they can afford and no one is getting hurt or abused in any form. It won't hurt you or your beliefs unless you allow it to, end of story.

Which brings me to my next point, gay marriage. Gay marriage should be legalized, there is nothing else to it. All these people claiming that it takes away from traditional marriage and just making stuff up. Marriage is about love and committment to another person. Who cares if that person happens to have the same parts as you. I honestly feel that if we looked at gay marriage vs. straight marriage divorces, there are ten times more in "traditional" marriages. The most crazy claim is that legalizing gay marriage is going to encourage more people to be gay.. Um.... you're either gay or your not. Sexual preference isn't something you believe, it's something you are. (Correct me if I am wrong please.) You don't convert to homosexuality. Gay individuals that have not come out yet, may engage in a "traditional" relationship, that doesn't change the fact that they are gay. Legalizing gay marriage is going to do this country nothing but good. It will open the door for those individuals that aren't ready to open up and say they swing the other way. "Cover up" marriages, that inevitabley will end in divorce, will probably be reduced. The divorce rate in this country will more than likely go down. Some people say, "Well it's immoral." I'll correct you, it's immoral IN YOUR OPINION! Key word there bein OPINION. Stop worrying about other people's eternal salvation and worry about your own. It's the same thing as plural marriages, it's not going to hurt you unless you allow it to. If you live a good honest life, you're not going to be turned away from Heaven because your neighbor Larry has a husband named Bob.

You want and deserve a good, happy life right? Well so do other people. Shut up with your harsh judgements and critizism, just live and let live, and most importantly, treat EVERYONE with love and respect. And remember, you can't get to Heaven on rollerskates. (Name that movie)

Whew....

October and Fall..

I love fall, it is by far my favorite season! There's nothing bad about it. The atmosphere, the smells, and activities, all amazing. I would be perfectly happy if it was fall all year round. The best things to ever happen to me have mostly all happened in the fall, mainly October. There's a romantic, peaceful vibe that comes across the world in this glorious month. I don't know if it's the vibrant colors of the leaves. The warm sweaters and evening walks. The Halloween season. The spicy smells. I don't know what it is, but I LOVE it.

This year has been quite the different year for me. I've had to take a giant leap back from myself to look at the person that I was becoming. I did not like that person. It was only a few weeks ago that it all hit me and knocked me on my ass, hard. The only person who can change the direction I was headed, was me. What does this all have to do with fall?? I'm starting a new season of my life. The branches of me are shedding their old leaves to pave the way for new ones. I've sported the same leaves for a while now, and now that I see they need to go, I see the beauty in them. (plain ol' green leaves just weren't doing it for me) Change is hard, change is good. I know I'm in for a rough ride of rediscovering myself. But it's all worth it! I am so excited to get back to being Amber! 'Cause she's pretty effing awesome. This may sound silly but fall is the perfect time for this all to happy to me. It has always been the time when I'm out and about doing things that make me happy. I'm going to start up new hobbies and dive back into old ones. I'm going to let my family, friends, and neighbors know that I care about them. I'm going to climb into a cozy sweater and watch football cuddled up with the love of my life and our little man. This fall I'm making it a goal to do things that make me happy and encourage others to do the same! Take time for yourself. Don't lose yourself in the person that you think other people want you to be. BE WHO YOU WANT TO BE. I learned this lesson a long time ago, but somehow forgot it in the chaos of life.. It is 100% impossible to make someone else truly happy, if you are not happy yourself. Again, this may sound silly, but I'm am writing a list of things I can do that will make me happy, and I am going to do them all, or at least try to, in the month of October. It's my goal to keep myself busy with happy work and hopefully create a habit of it so that I don't keep falling back into the same misery trap. As I do each item I'll write a totally awesome blog about it! So keep in touch! (I don't know if I have any readers out there, but I can pretend!)

Happy Monday!

Hi, Hello, How are ya?

So it's been forever since I posted on this lovely thing. I've decided that I need more hobbies in my life so I am going to start posting on the blog again, but don't hold me to it!

So I'll just give you all a super quick "teaser" update.

All of us over at the Forman household are doing pretty well. Jim is working at L-3 Communications as a Project Planner. It's an incredibly high stress job, but he is amazing at it. Julian is 15 months old yesterday and the biggest sweetheart ever. He is a little clone of Jim. He is so funny and has such a bold personality. I have just started a new job at a place called Thermal Technologies. I am over contractor relations. It's interesting so far. We're still living out in Herriman and taking our life as it comes to us.

Right now I can't really think of anything else to write about so this is it for the day. Maybe I'll do a little post featuring Julian this week so you all can get to know our little man!

Have a great Monday!

Update...

Sorry it's been forever since I updated this thing in so long, our life has been go-go-go. So anyway. We've made it to 35 weeks! Though we went to the doctor yesterday and were basically told to be on our toes, he's right there are ready to come. As we were leaving the doctor I was telling Jim that I think he'll be born next week or a week and a half at the most. Jim was trying to convince me that I was just being paranoid and that Julian is going to stay put until his due date. Not 5 minutes later I received a random text from one of Jim's best friends. She is one of those people who has killer intuition and just knows things. The text said, in short, you will have a baby either Wednesday or Thursday, which is exactly how I feel as well. She just has a feeling I'll go into labor on Wednesday and Julian will be born on Thursday. We'll see though. So anyway, Jim and and I just sitting back and waiting. I think he'll be born in the next week or so. I'll let you all know!

Be Worried...

So I woke up this morning around 6:30am with some pretty gnarly contractions. At first I though nothing about it, just some Braxton Hicks ones right. I had two of these in about an hour and still went on my way to work. Around 8:30 things changed a little. I started to get this feeling like someone was wringing out my insides just as you would a towel. Again I figured it wasn't that big of a deal. That's until I had that feeling come and go about every 20 minutes. At that point I called my doctor and was told to come in immediately. I called Jim and let him know what the doctor had said. I still wasn't super worried. I wasn't completely convinced that I was even having contractions. Jim on the other hand, freaked out and realized the urgency of the situation. We got to the doctor and were pulled right in. After a full preterm labor examination my doctor, who also happens to be my aunt, said she's not at all comfortable with my situation. I am dilated to a 2 and 50% thinned out in my cervix, at 31 weeks. Ya, that's not good. She ran some fetal neck something something something test, luckily that came back negative. Which means we're 90% sure our little dude won't come in the next 2 weeks. I have to go back on Wednesday and be checked again, if I've dilated more, then the panic starts. Today's appointment ended with a, not so optimistic doctor saying telling us all we need is 3 more weeks, after that, he can come, she wouldn't be super happy that he is born at 34 weeks, but it would work out just fine. The funny part is, I texted Jim yesterday and told him I think we're closer to Julian's birthday than either of us realize. And, Jim thought I was being a psycho for this, but I've made us pack our hospital bags. Apparently my intuition is better than I thought. So for now I am just on some medication to slow the labor process and. hopefully stop my uterus from contracting for a few weeks. Keep your fingers crossed for the next 3 weeks is the advice, among other things, we were given at the doctor today. I know the wording of this sounds like I'm not too worried, that's not the case... I'm just super tired and writing this fast! Anyway, life will go on as planned right now, we are just going to speed our moving in process up and set up the baby's room a lot faster than we anticipated. I'll keep ya'll posted!